I cannot remember the last time I wrote a blog post. It’s been a couple of years, I’m sure! So much has happened in the past few years, most notably the loss of my husband. He was my rock, my anchor, and my biggest cheerleader. I just knew I could do anything and get through or around any obstacle as long as he was by my side. He knew how to push me to reach goals and set even bigger ones, so when he died I felt lost. While it took a few months for me to get my bearings, I realized that what he saw in me was my own power and strength and resilience shining through. It just took losing him for me to understand that I am capable of so much more than I ever knew and that my strength didn’t come from him, but from within me.
This past year and a half has been full of changes, some good and some bad. When you’re grieving, sometimes you make some poor choices. You choose to do things because they keep you from dealing with the grief, however grief will come anyway and you will inevitably have to deal with it, a lesson I had to learn the hard way. I finally had to let the grief in. You cannot spend half of your life with someone and not “deal with the loss.” Until you do, there is no moving forward and there is no way you could possibly open your heart again.
Let me tell you, when grief rears its ugly head, it’s a bear. (I wanted to use a more colorful word, but bear will work just fine.) I will never forget the night I let it all go, the night I let myself feel all of the loss and sadness and dreams that were never going to come to fruition. The anniversaries we’d never share, the birthdays we’d never celebrate, the grandkids we’d never get to spoil together and the vacation destinations we’d never explore. It was a lot to process, and it’s something you have to process alone. No one else can do it for you. I think I cried until I was unable to cry any more tears. The next morning, after 2 hours of sleep, I washed my face, pulled myself together, put on my big girl panties and went to work. I looked and felt like hammered poo, but I went. It was that morning when I realized that I was ready to pick myself up and start living my “new” life. My life “after Allen.”
For those that have walked through this kind of grief, they will understand that there is a “before” and an “after,” before the loss when you are oblivious to almost everything around you and the little things annoy the snot out of you and after the loss when you are hyper aware of every little thing you took for granted. Losing your spouse changes you. Some people swear off the idea of ever dating again, some prefer to live in the pain, some jump right into a new relationship and others don’t know what they want or just want to not be lonely AND heartbroken. Once I was ready, I chose to dip my feet in the dating pool waters originally looking for just someone to hang out with. Ugh! What a disaster that turned out to be. After being in a happily committed monogamous relationship for 20+ years where I felt truly loved, seen and cared for…(and vice versa) I was not looking forward to entering this new chapter, with all of these “situationships” and “throuples” and open relationships and whatever else new buzz word was attached to the newest dating trend. But guess what I did? I jumped in. I talked to my share of guys through text or over the phone and just as quickly as I started the conversation, I would end it. I absolutely abhorred the idea of dating and the selection just stunk! (Self absorbed, gym rats, guys who wanted to show you “their goods 🤢🤮,” guys who just wanted a hook up, and so many other things that are such a turn off.) I’ve never been a serial dater so nothing about meeting new men who just wanted to “hook up” appealed to me. After a couple of months I gave up but a conversation with my massage therapist pushed me to one last dating app…
While I still hate online dating with a passion, I did meet someone. I’m not going into any details, but right now…it’s going well. We do have those moments where we have a blast together. He can make me laugh so hard that my stomach hurts and there are moments that he makes me forget just how broken I was a year ago. Sometimes, I let myself see a future with him. I do love him….the life I have built with him is much different than I had before but then again, I am much different, but I am happy.
Like I am sure that I have said before, this magnitude of loss changes you. I have found that I am much stronger than I ever knew I was. I am capable of so much more than I ever thought and I am resilient. I am on this new journey. It’s scary and exciting and full of challenges. I am living life on my terms. I am pushing myself to be the best version of me. I am doing my best to treat every person I meet with love, kindness and compassion. I smile at everyone I meet, because why not? I take pictures of everyone and everything, because the world is beautiful and someday the memories are all we will have left.
If there is one thing I want people to remember about me when I’m gone, it’s that I loved fiercely, lived life to the fullest (without hurting others), and that I left every soul I touched better than I found them.