Just because I laugh and smile A LOT, doesn’t mean that I never have a bad day or a dark thought. At times I might argue that I have had more bad days and dark thoughts than anyone could possibly ever fathom. That being said, I think that’s why I choose to laugh and smile and try to bring joy to others. I know what it feels like to always see the dark cloud and not the silver lining. For years that was my M.O. (modus operandi). I don’t know when I went down that road, but I know that for years, my late husband called me the “most unhappy woman” that he had ever known. I always thought he was making that up. I thought I was generally happy. Then one day I started to actually listen to myself and thought, “Wow! Allen is right! I may see something in a positive way, but I always have to see the dark side too.” Let me give you a few examples.
EX 1: My friends and I are talking about a song on the radio. One mentions how much they love the song. Someone else might say something about how there are other songs by that artist they liked better and then they start talking about whatever…my contribution on the subject? “Did you know that (said artist) died? or Did you know they are divorced? Had a drug problem?” etc..
EX: While others might say, “Congratulations on the new career change! I know that it’s scary starting over. Changes in the middle of your life can be challenging so good on you!” I would say, “How are you going to do that all by yourself? That’s so scary. Stinks to have to start at that bottom all over again!”
I could give more, but those seem to make the point. Once I started to hear myself, I thought, “Wow, Marcy! You are one “Negative Nancy!” (My apologies to any one of my cheerful friends named Nancy). I mean even I thought I was miserable to be around, so one morning I decided to get up and think of one thing I was thankful for. In time, my mindset changed (mostly). It became something I consciously chose. It is something I still choose. Every. Single. Day. And if you have read any of my other posts, you know that I have seen some really dark days over the past few years. Yet somehow, I still choose to see that silver lining no matter how thin. I want to see all of the good. I am not naive. I see the bad. I know it’s there and I feel it too. I just can’t let it rule my life.
I just started a new job, in a new town, in a whole new career. I had to upend my whole life to do so. I had to start at the bottom. Yeah, I am sure there are “glass half empty” people who will have all of the same thoughts that I once had over this perfect storm scenario. But now I choose to see it as an opportunity to start fresh and build a new life. To work hard to create a life of purpose. I moved to a new town, have a new man in my life that I adore, have added three amazing boys to my heart (added to the six kiddos my heart already holds). I have made numerous new friends and I am happy. Stupid happy!
But it’s that mindset that I credit for all of it. I started thinking positive and after a really rough start where I could have easily gone down a dark path (when Allen died), I chose to stay positive and now I am in a place I never dreamed that I would ever be.