Being a widow has affected me in more ways that I had ever imagined. From navigating my financial situations, children, and friendships to how I deal with the world in general. It’s been a whirlwind of change and challenges that I had never imagined I would be dealing with at the age of 47. I mean, at 47, you’re supposed to be sending babies off to college and getting ready to embark on the next phase of life, not planning to start all over because the person you were planning the future with unexpectedly passed away. But that is exactly where I am.
People understand the obvious parts of widowhood…
The lost connection to someone that you were so close to…the new financial strain…the unimaginable grief. What people don’t see is how the absence of that person affects EVERY SINGLE aspect of your life. Losing your best friend in the entire universe is probably the most unimaginable pain possible. The ache you get deep in your soul when reality sets in that you will never see them in this life again is almost soul crushing. what was even more painful was the fact that I never dreamed about him. Maybe once, I dreamed about him, but my children dream about him all the time. I used to think I was being punished because I never saw him. Now I believe it’s a blessing. I believe that he is at peace. I knew the kind of man he was and I knew from the conversations he and I had that he fully expected me to keep moving forward in life.
Now, before you pass judgement let me first say that I believe that we come here with a purpose…every single one of us. I believe we have other souls to touch and lessons to learn in order to grow as spiritual beings. I believe that those of us that crave enlightenment choose to come here. We get to see “our story” play out and we understand that there will be growth with what we choose to go through…then we’re born and our memory is wiped clean. We live these lives and affect those closest to us while learning along the way. When we complete our journey here, we get to go home to either ascend or come back to relearn what didn’t take the first time. Everyone we meet, we meet for a reason. There is no random happenstance. Everything in this world is cause and effect.
Now back to the moving forward part….One day I woke up and felt free from all of the guilt that I had felt for not being able to save him. With that, a weight lifted, and I realized that I was ready to find a “friend to go to the movies with and maybe snuggle with.” It gets really lonely sleeping alone after sharing a bed with someone for almost 22 years. Forget the intimacy, just the warm body and someone to be there. I think that’s why I chose to do what I did. I reconnected with an old boyfriend. It was never romantic. Not because I didn’t want it, but because he didn’t. It feels embarrassing to say that, but I was so desperate to feel needed that I allowed myself to be taken advantage of and not in THAT way. Honestly, I didn’t know what I wanted, other than to be needed by a man. That was a mess that caused so much conflict between me and my children and was so completely unnecessary…but grief makes you do stupid things. I finally realized that what I needed was not to be needed, but I needed to grieve what I lost and what would never be in order to move forward with my life.
The night I let it all go was hard but cathartic. It was then that I was able to see clearly. I knew I still had a mountain ahead of me, but I also knew that I was capable of climbing it all on my own. I took back my power and started to take care of myself again. I found my center and started making plans for a future for myself. I have spent my whole life solving my own problems, why was this one any different…and it wasn’t.
Less than a year after Allen passed, I met someone. Some people think it was too soon, some expected it, and others knew it would happen but didn’t know when (even though I swore I would never). Navigating widowhood is hard enough without those who have never lost a spouse passing judgement for when you believe someone should allow their heart to love again. This phase of life is hard enough without those on the outside telling us how they believe we should grieve and when is an appropriate time to move forward…what if your heart makes that decision for you?
Whether it’s love life, personal choices, socialization or financial matters, or really anything related to losing a spouse…if you’ve never been there, please never presume to know how you would deal with what we are dealing with…I promise you; you wouldn’t do it like you think you would and it is nothing like losing a friend, parent, sibling, or even a child. These are all very different experiences.
As a widow, I am asking that maybe you show a little more compassion and a little less judgement.