Be Kind

Through a series of kids’ television show and movies, teachers, and religious leaders it is drilled into us as children to always be kind to others.  I think all of us start out with good intentions… but somewhere along the way life happens and other aspects of our being seem to become more important.  Sometimes we show a “not so nice” side of ourselves when we want to fit in.  Other times it’s a defense mechanism that we have developed over time due to others’ inability to show kindness to us, creating a sense of cynicism.  Being unkind has no real positive benefit.  It reduces even the most beautiful woman or handsome man down to the ugliest version of themselves.  Just food for thought.  If the most handsome man on the planet or the most beautiful woman in the world was standing in front of you spewing extremely unkind words about another human being or berating others without any evidence to back it up, many would only be able to stand there and listen to it for so long before they could no longer be present in the conversation.  What if that same beautiful woman or handsome man was blatantly hurting another individual just because they could…because putting down another person made them feel bigger?  To many, that person’s looks will begin to lose their luster.  They no longer appear as beautiful or as handsome as they once did, instead revealing the true nature of who they are and revealing that these individuals are usually shallow, insecure or both and the only way that they can feel better about themselves is by being mean to someone else.

Being cruel or unkind to another person will not win you any friends.  In fact, if anything, over time it will leave you lonely with few or even no friends.  No one likes being around people who thrive on finding fault in others. In fact, those who are constantly criticizing others and showing a lack of empathy often have problems in their professional and social lives.  When someone struggles to see things beyond their own viewpoint, without considering that different individuals see the world from different perspectives (depending on their experiences and upbringing), conflicts can quickly escalate into major issues. In time those friendships and relationships start to unravel due to the constant criticism and lack of empathy that foster resentment and cause an emotional distance. Eventually, most unkind and critical people end up alone and almost all of them are miserable.

I choose to be kind.  Not because I think I am better than anyone else, but because I know what it is like to be treated unkindly. I have dealt with unkind people my whole life.  I have watched people put other people down because they didn’t have the nicest things or because they were poor.  I have watched people emotionally rip another person to shreds just because they wanted to feel better about themselves and putting down another person seemed to do the trick in the moment (I would almost bet that most of those individuals are still miserable to this day).   I, myself, have also been the target of several miserable people’s lack of love, compassion or empathy.  I know what it’s like to sit up all night long at 16 years old while your mother very carefully used peanut butter to dislodge over 50 BB sized pieces of gum from your waist length hair…all because some girls in your choir class thought it would be fun to torture the new girl (that they hated).  I didn’t do anything. It wasn’t the first time, but probably the most painful and memorable time.

I suppose I could have allowed all of the times someone was unkind to me, ruin me.  I could have let it make me bitter or taken the ugly things they said to heart (and maybe I do a little sometimes because I am only human).  Instead of allowing the ugliness of the world change me, I choose instead to treat those that are the cruelest to me with the most compassion.  I mean, how miserable do you have to be to be deliberately hurtful to someone who would never be cruel to you?

SO, be kind. Kindness is a beautiful thing, and it is contagious!  Just like a yawn or smile….

Him…

Less than a year after losing my husband and just a month or so after finding myself I met someone that was different than the others.  With most came a lot of noise and chest puffing, talking about what makes them a man or “look at all of my stuff.” He was none of those things.  He was “just a guy.” He had an entire tribe of kids (like me), so I felt a little more at ease. I mean telling a guy that you have six children is a little scary.  We talked about A/C and heating units.  He warned me that he wasn’t some big “rich guy” that wanted to be a sugar daddy. (Thank goodness he did that..lol). From the first time I heard his voice I was drawn to him.  It was the tone. It still is the tone.  I didn’t give a damn what his income was.  I still don’t (but he does just fine for himself if you’re curious).  I don’t and never have judged a man by the size of his paycheck.  I judge a man by the way he treats animals, babies and other people when you’re out in public.

See the thing is, I liked him. He was fun and he made me laugh in a way I never thought I would ever laugh again.  He seemed to understand me like no one else ever had. I was no longer sad when I was with him.  He gave me new things to get excited about and made me forget just how broken my heart had been. So, I started spending a lot of time with him. I never expected to fall in love with him and it wasn’t until a forced break that I realized just how much his presence in my life has affected me.

I don’t know a lot about what the future holds, but these are some of the things I am hoping for:

That for him, I am enough. He is for me.
That he will become protective of my heart like I am of his.
That I will get to spend the rest of my life learning and growing with him.

Being A Widow….

Being a widow has affected me in more ways that I had ever imagined.  From navigating my financial situations, children, and friendships to how I deal with the world in general.  It’s been a whirlwind of change and challenges that I had never imagined I would be dealing with at the age of 47.  I mean, at 47, you’re supposed to be sending babies off to college and getting ready to embark on the next phase of life, not planning to start all over because the person you were planning the future with unexpectedly passed away.  But that is exactly where I am.

People understand the obvious parts of widowhood…

The lost connection to someone that you were so close to…the new financial strain…the unimaginable grief. What people don’t see is how the absence of that person affects EVERY SINGLE aspect of your life.  Losing your best friend in the entire universe is probably the most unimaginable pain possible.  The ache you get deep in your soul when reality sets in that you will never see them in this life again is almost soul crushing. what was even more painful was the fact that I never dreamed about him. Maybe once, I dreamed about him, but my children dream about him all the time. I used to think I was being punished because I never saw him.  Now I believe it’s a blessing.  I believe that he is at peace. I knew the kind of man he was and I knew from the conversations he and I had that he fully expected me to keep moving forward in life.

Now, before you pass judgement let me first say that I believe that we come here with a purpose…every single one of us.  I believe we have other souls to touch and lessons to learn in order to grow as spiritual beings.   I believe that those of us that crave enlightenment choose to come here.  We get to see “our story” play out and we understand that there will be growth with what we choose to go through…then we’re born and our memory is wiped clean. We live these lives and affect those closest to us while learning along the way.  When we complete our journey here, we get to go home to either ascend or come back to relearn what didn’t take the first time.  Everyone we meet, we meet for a reason. There is no random happenstance. Everything in this world is cause and effect.

Now back to the moving forward part….One day I woke up and felt free from all of the guilt that I had felt for not being able to save him.  With that, a weight lifted, and I realized that I was ready to find a “friend to go to the movies with and maybe snuggle with.”  It gets really lonely sleeping alone after sharing a bed with someone for almost 22 years.  Forget the intimacy, just the warm body and someone to be there.  I think that’s why I chose to do what I did.  I reconnected with an old boyfriend.  It was never romantic. Not because I didn’t want it, but because he didn’t. It feels embarrassing to say that, but I was so desperate to feel needed that I allowed myself to be taken advantage of and not in THAT way.  Honestly, I didn’t know what I wanted, other than to be needed by a man.  That was a mess that caused so much conflict between me and my children and was so completely unnecessary…but grief makes you do stupid things.  I finally realized that what I needed was not to be needed, but I needed to grieve what I lost and what would never be in order to move forward with my life.

The night I let it all go was hard but cathartic.  It was then that I was able to see clearly. I knew I still had a mountain ahead of me, but I also knew that I was capable of climbing it all on my own. I took back my power and started to take care of myself again.  I found my center and started making plans for a future for myself.  I have spent my whole life solving my own problems, why was this one any different…and it wasn’t.

Less than a year after Allen passed, I met someone.  Some people think it was too soon, some expected it, and others knew it would happen but didn’t know when (even though I swore I would never). Navigating widowhood is hard enough without those who have never lost a spouse passing judgement for when you believe someone should allow their heart to love again.  This phase of life is hard enough without those on the outside telling us how they believe we should grieve and when is an appropriate time to move forward…what if your heart makes that decision for you?

Whether it’s love life, personal choices, socialization or financial matters, or really anything related to losing a spouse…if you’ve never been there, please never presume to know how you would deal with what we are dealing with…I promise you; you wouldn’t do it like you think you would and it is nothing like losing a friend, parent, sibling, or even a child. These are all very different experiences.

As a widow, I am asking that maybe you show a little more compassion and a little less judgement.